Loss, Friends, Advice, Surfing, Love

I lost a friend the other day, not to death but to circumstance.  I can only say so much about it, but when you are used to talking to someone everyday the loss can be bigger than you think.  I have a small hole inside of me right now.  Beyond that my youngest child said that she doesn’t want to come spend part of the summer with me.

I asked a friend of mine how to deal with it and she said, ask her why.  First show her empathy and then ask why.  Tell her you respect her feelings and that if she really feels that way you’ll work around it and then ask her if you can ask more questions because you want to understand.  That seems so simple.  Why didn’t I think of that?  We need people who will speak into our lives.

You want to know how to keep people from speaking into your life and helping you improve it?  Make them feel stupid when they disagree with you, don’t show empathy to others, don’t treat people with love and respect, don’t tell the truth, don’t share your true identity.  To get people to speak freely to you accept that others are just as smart as you and their experiences are why they believe the way they do.  Realize they have had different experiences than you.  That even the ones that are the same were internalized differently than your experiences.

When you’re in the weeds it is sometimes hard to see the field your standing in.  It reminds me of the first time I tried surfing, I was in the trough of the wave and looked forward and then back and all I saw were two huge walls of water.  That was intimidating.  I realized how small I was and that I could only see a small portion of a huge world.  I realized I could not possibly ever understand everything.  The realization that the world, the universe, God are all so much bigger than me gave me peace.

Do I have a purpose?  I think it is to love people.  It is amazing how open people are to sharing with you and allowing you into their lives if you show empathy.  I know this and yet sometimes I forget.  I’m even known among my close friends as a very empathetic person.  I’m also known as a person who will tell you the truth from my perspective if attacked or asked.  I first try to listen and seek to understand or that’s the goal in communication.

Think about arguments…think, think, think.  Sometimes when you’re listening do you ever find yourself listening or even asking questions just so you can make your next point?  Do you ever forget to try to understand where the other person is coming from.  I do, maybe it’s just me, but I forget.  Things go much differently when I try to understand.  Generally they go better.

Who are we but the the standards we live by, the people we love and are loved by, the books we read and the things we do?  I’m blessed by the people who love me and who I love, I’m changed by those people.  Books have opened my eyes.  A moral code helps us maintain integrity.