It
is wonderful when both parents can live in the same city and state
and share parenting equally. It is unfortunate for both myself and
my children that I'm not able to live in the same state as my
children. Many dad's find themselves in the same situation. Many
dad's take providing for their kids very seriously.
I
don't know how to write this without seeming like a cry baby. I
don't know how to tell you the reality in a way that you can
understand if you don't live it. I do think this message needs to
get out and I do think that dad's in my situation need help changing
the system.
I
think kids need both parents. I wish I could split myself in two and
live in both of the states my kids live in. I bet many dad's feel
that way. Instead we find ourselves living with roommates, barely
able to pay child support and our bills. When a dad simply can't pay
our society says he is a “dead beat dad.” When a dad can't
afford to see his children our society says he is “worthless” and
doesn't even care to see his kids.
My
first wife took my kids 1000 miles away to a very expensive place
telling me she'd return when she finished school. A few months later
she gave me the middle finger and laughed. I'm a smart one!
My
second wife lives in an extremely expensive state also. I can't
afford to pay these ladies child support and live in either place. I
find myself going where the work is. I've worked in Iraq,
Afghanistan, Texas, Georgia and simply go where I can make enough
money to live and pay child support. In today's economic environment
you go where you can find work.
When
I worked overseas I would get ample vacation time and could travel to
see my kids three times a year. I could afford the rental cars, the
hotels, the child support that doesn't stop even when I have my kids.
Now that I'm back in the U.S. I have very little vacation time and
can't afford to see my kids. I always pay the support, but I can't
afford to go see my kids.
The
court doesn't force the mom's to pay half of the expenses for me to
see my kids, but they do expect me to continue paying child support
even if my kids are with me an entire month.
The
court system takes so much money away from most dad's that it is
difficult to live and pay all the bills let alone take time off and
enjoy time with the children.
Did
I do this to myself? Yes, in the same way that these mom's did this
to themselves. My point? We both got divorced. Perhaps we can be
judged for being bad judges of character. To that I say, “Guilty
as charged.” Perhaps you can call us financially irresponsible for
having had four children, again guilty.
Perhaps
you don't want to read this, you have not made my mistakes, then
don't read it.
It
takes two people to make a relationship go bad. It is usually the
dad that suffers the most and it is usually the dad who pays
literally and figuratively.
Don't
believe me? Consider this, I have to carry and prove a certain
amount of life insurance for my kids. The ex-wives do not. Is this
not a blatant statement towards a bias of what the role of the sexes
are in marriage?
It
is almost as if the government wants divorce. Marriage is to the
advantage of the lowest wage earner. Marriage is an even higher
advantage to the non-working spouse. Divorce is the same. Usually
the higher wage earner is the man. If anyone stays at home it is
usually the woman. In these cases the man has the most to lose
because if a woman gets tired of your crap she can leave you, she has
the kids and gets paid for raising your kids.
It
doesn't matter if you agree how your kids are being raised or not.
Do you have any idea how devastating it feels when you completely
disagree with how your kids are being raised and you have to pay for
them to be raised that way?
You
will pay or you risk going to prison for not paying. You can take
your wife back to court, you will go broke doing this.
I
don't get report cards, I rarely get pictures, I don't get Birthday,
Father's day or Christmas cards. I don't have the opportunity to
join parent teacher conferences. I don't get a say as to if my child
is forced to stick with something they started, is allowed to skip
practice, is allowed to stay out late at night and so on. Perhaps
you get the picture a little.
Can
I take these ladies back to court over every single item? Yes, how
much good would it do? From experience, not much.
You
can't call the police. You can't tell a bill collector that the debt
was given to her in court, it affects your credit so you end up
paying it anyway. You can't pay $1000 every time she doesn't comply
with the court. Even the items that a mediator can solve cost $110
each visit and I don't know about you, but that $110 can add up.
People
wonder why dad's give up, disappear, are not involved, even commit
suicide. Dad's do those things because the message is clear, you are
only good for a paycheck. The courts, society, the media all agree,
they must all be right.
I
know plenty of divorced dad's struggling financially, I know several
divorced mom's living a comfortable life. The funny thing is that
mom's talk about struggles as a single mom and talk with pride about
how they did it themselves and how the dad was not worth a crap. I
hear this no matter the child support paying status.
Mom's
wear the single mom badge with pride. Give me a sticker I'm entitled
and we do, we say “Oh, how sad” and give them a hug. Dad's who
are trapped in this situation are nothing more than whining
curmudgeons.
Let
me give you this thought from the welfare check's perspective. I
would gladly have the primary parenting role along with all the
“troubles” that go along with it and I'd ask for no “child
support.” I would gladly “sacrifice” my time for my kids, go
to work, ensure homework is completed, go to school plays, go to
practices and games, buy school clothes and supplies and do the day
to day things expected of a parent. How dare these entitled
crybabies complain about the joys or parenting when many dad's never
get to experience any of those things!
Here
is what the government has to say about a dad's role in a child's
life:
Wow,
pretty important. Just like every other subject if you expect the
government to do something right you are a fool. I don't know how to
save my own situation and I certainly don't want the government to
get any more involved, they are as ineffectual as an organization can
possibly be. I am open to ideas and I hope that this piece has at
least challenged some of your previously held beliefs.
Live Passionately, Live Aggressively
Matt Dragon
Bro, can't describe how much I fully appreciate this. Got a little carried away on my comment, went to post it and it told me I had too many characters. I'll try to make 2 separate posts..
ReplyDeleteFor years I've lived outside my means just to maintain a relationship with my oldest daughter, now 15, living in another state. Airfare with unaccompanied minor fees, hotels, rental cars, gas... I couldn't afford it, but I did it anyway because I so strongly believed in the importance of maintaining a good relationship and a strong presence in her life. When she was visiting me, it was a natural and comfortable setting. When I traveled down to visit her, it was tough, man. Aside from the financial impact, you can only hope to make the best of a very impersonal setting. Taking your child "home" to the hotel after school in a rental car doesn't lend to a great personal and comfortable experience. Helping her do her homework on a stiff couch and hotel coffee table. You don't have a kitchen in the hotel, so you go out to eat every meal. When she wakes up in the morning and just wants a bowl of cheerios like she would normally have, it just plain old breaks your heart a little.
Now that I have 3, it is an impossible situation. In my case, I'm fortunate that my 2 youngest are still in the same area. Or should I say, I've made it a point to remain in the same area. So, in that sense I am blessed. However, like you, I've had to work overseas just to maintain my current, fairly modest, quality of life: vehicle, mortgage and all the bills that come along with those things, as well as child support, 1/2 of all schooling and childcare, health insurance, and continuing to fund the relationship I have with my oldest child.
It would be great to work locally and spend more time with my youngest kids. Unfortunately, unless you qualify for a corporate level VP position, there's no hope of earning enough to maintain. So, what happens when the youngest kids' mom decides to move to another state. Well, I can either 1) not sign the release form, which would temporarily delay the inevitable, or 2) move along with them or 3) try to maintain a relationship with 2 sets of children who are geographically separated from myself, not to mention from each other as well.
I read through most of that fatherhood link, thanks for posting that. It would be easy to give up. REALLY easy. Many people do and I can't fault them for it. Few of us just keep struggling on. Society has yet to truly recognize the psychological and sociological importance of a father's in a child's life. Nor do they recognize or reward a dad who works long hours, even 2 jobs, fighting against all odds, forfeiting their own health and well being just to maintain that presence.
A mother/father partnership ends. What caused the relationship to end took place between two adults and it should be left as just that. Child custody, support, etc, should be an entirely separate, parallel process where 'true' responsibility is placed on both parties. We live in a society where equal opportunity is the law. The act of stereotyping and discrimination is harshly punished. Yet in a situation where a mother/father relationship has ended, the court system's baseline starting point is this: 1) the father is automatically stereotyped (men don't know how to care for children), discriminated against, punished with no child custody rights, and fined with child support. 2) the mother is also stereotyped, although in a more positive and beneficial way, then automatically over-rewarded. Should you (as a dad) fight enough to get joint custody, the mother is still primary caregiver and has veto power over all major decisions. Out of the hundreds of divorced dads I've met over the years I can only remember 1, maybe 2 who were rewarded full custody. In one case, the mother was a severe drug addict, abusive, child neglect, etc. He was able to achieve full custody, but it took years along with everything he owned or could borrow to finance the effort before finally swaying the court system. Equal opportunity for all - it's the law! Wait, really? You don't say.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, thanks again. I reckon with the addition of my comment, this makes two whining "curmudgeons." Never know, maybe we'll gain additional support and fuel an uprising of dads that don't matter.
Ray,
ReplyDeleteVery eloquently written, thank you for sharing your thoughts and your story.
I think if nothing else speaking up will help break the stereo types that exist about dad's and their roles in a child's life.
One person at a time.
I'd like to see social media make real change in our society instead of simply promoting the most worthless things our society has to offer. Investing in a child's life is never worthless.